Who weeps for the sober-hearted?

I’m off the piss.

There’s no big reason, only a few small reasons: my blood pressure’s a bit high, gf doesn’t drink, I see blokes around me who do nothing but drink and are horrifically out of shape, plus it makes me sleepy and prevents me from doing anything else.

For me, this was not a major decision. ‘Shall I go from three beers a week to zero? Sure, why not.’

As you might expect, the effects are minimal.

Occasionally I’d really like a drink, especially a cold beer with certain dishes or in social situations, but mostly I don’t care.

I’m not anti-drinking, much. I think some ethnic and social groups (and individuals) should avoid alcohol altogether because they can’t handle it. All their money gets pissed up the wall, they get into stupid fights, have accidents and so on. Strict religions that ban vices are best for such cases.

I understand that poor labourers like to get drunk as it’s a rare time time they can relax and enjoy life, but it’s not improving their lot overall.

As for ordinary people who drink a moderate amount, it probably doesn’t make much difference.

While I’m not proselytizing, I have noticed a few things. I shall digress and then return.

Culture is a default mode for our behaviour because we can’t decide exactly what do for ourselves in every situation. It would take up too much brain space.

What should I wear to the wedding? What solids should the baby eat? How should I find a partner? What should I have for breakfast? What words should be said at a funeral? How do we decide that someone is ready for adult responsibilities?

Each culture has its own answers to these questions, sometimes formal and written, in other cases handed down orally through the generations.

In the west, a lot of our cultural milestones involve alcohol.

What do teenagers do for fun? If not organized sport, they try to meet up for unsupervised parties and drink alcohol. When I was a kid, that was the default. There wasn’t some third thing to do.

In my day, the most common way that couples would get together was to get drunk and snog at one of these parties. Older people would meet at bars and pubs.

In Australia, eighteenth and twenty-first birthday parties involve a lot of drinking. So too Christmas, New Years, weddings, bucks’ nights, and even funerals if you’re Irish.

Our social events are often centred around alcohol. Want to go out for a drink? Let’s watch the game and have a few beers. Friday night drinks after work.

In Asia it’s the same. You can’t do karaoke sober.

As a result, quitting drinking is like becoming the annoying vegetarian who turns up to the barbeque with veggie burgers and wants to designate an animal-free section of the grill.

If you go to any of these events, you need to drink something non-alcoholic and that’s usually sugar water or nothing.

Oh, can I get you some juice then? Middle aged men shouldn’t drink juice.

I’ll still take a glass of milk but it’s rarely offered.

Once the teetotaler has the mandatory glass of liquid in his hand, his trouble is not over.

Dear reader, have you ever spent a night at a pub . . . sober?

Perhaps you were the designated driver or couldn’t take alcohol due to medication or something.

Getting drunk and talking codshit with your mates and strangers is a lot of fun. Trying to do the same when you’re drinking oolong tea is to enter an outer circle of hell.

People don’t really converse, just shout nonsense then get distracted and go shout at someone else.

“Oh that’s interesting, how did you end up in recruiting?”

“It’s just fekkin ya gotta be ruthless ya know and… oi Johnny, where ya bin mate? Mwheeeeeaaaay!”

I now feel retrospectively embarrassed for the times I thought I was holding up my end of the conversation while drunk.

Socialization for me now requires other non-drinkers, or people who can socialize while not drunk. This is probably less than half of all people.

It’s meeting up for coffee and discussing societal nuances in different countries, or visiting someone’s house and getting tips on growing various kinds of beans.

There’s a release and deep relaxation in getting nicely drunk and being silly. Without it, you cannot help but become a more serious and boring person. There’s not really any other way of letting loose, except perhaps through greater vices. You just have to accept, this is how I am now.

People have told me I’m uptight and need to let go sometimes: drink, dance, go crazy. I don’t want to, though. My idea of relaxation goes no further than taking a long walk in the mountains.

Even though I rarely drank much, I can see that a part of me has died in my renunciation of alcohol. Drunk Nik was a pretty funny guy. He rarely showed his face so my mates rejoiced on those few occasions when he did.

Now he’s gone.